There is an allure to the clean slate, to starting over and re-inventing oneself. Forming new habits and routines that nudge us to become a more idealized version of ourself. I have been in Seattle for a week now, and this is the question I am asking myself: Who am I about to become? Who do I want to become?
Last Saturday, Iris and her parents dropped me, my three bags an my one-way ticket off at the airport. My flight to Houston was full of Mexican-Americans who, having visited family with overstuffed suitcases of the fruits of capitalism, now returned to their daily routines. Their passports were American, their English was perfect, and their Spanish was mostly broken. It was unsettling that I couldn’t distinguish between the Mexicans and the Mexican-Americans until they spoke, and there was something unsettling about feeling unsettled in the first place. I must adjust to living in a multilingual, multicultural country where consumerism and self-improvement are the common unifiers.
In retrospect, my biggest mistake in Mexico was trying too hard to be Mexican and not hard enough to just be myself. My foreignness was always the defining feature of my identity and so, to fit in, I worked as hard as possible to improve my Spanish, learn the cultural references and understand the political system. I ignored my individuality in an attempt to be accepted by the collective.
The upside is that, for the most part, I was accepted. I wasn’t just another American in Mexico City who spends all of his time with other Americans complaining about the country’s inconveniences. The downside is that my mission to become accepted as Mexican distracted me from questions of who I have become as an individual.
Here in Seattle, I am mostly free to be myself without the constant cultural anxiety of trying to fit in. Then again, that lingering feeling of not fitting in is probably one of the most defining factors of the person I have become.
I think you can move to a big, cosmopolitan city like New York and easily find yourself surrounded by people just like you. Or, you can move to a fairly homogenous city like Seattle and make an effort to have a truly diverse group of friends. At least, that is what I hope awaits us.
Oh, and we just bought a house!
Que bonita casa! Felicidades!!! Y no sé, quienes te conocimos creo siempre vimos la chispa que tienes, nunca te sumerjiste por completo, jaja! Abrazo!
Welcome home. Abrazos fuertes.
Wow. Oso buys a house.
Congratulations to you both on your new abode!
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on readjustment and differences. I notice changes for myself as a result of becoming a citizen, and that is for two places who are not divided by language or huge cultural differences. I’m assuming the shift is that much more for your experience. At the other end of the spectrum are friends I know who have lived in Asian countries for a decade, but will never truly be accepted. A country’s culture of immigration (and us vs them) leaves an impact on the individual, no matter their efforts.
It’s a really hard thing to find your place after you’ve chosen to live in another culture and immerse yourself in that place. I found a very similar thing moving to Portland from Uruguay. Now i’m back in south america and it feels as much home as the pacific northwest where i grew up. But i’m always the gringo here. In Portland everything is ‘natural’ and as i knew growing up, but that doesn’t mean i like it really, just comfortable like a favorite pair of shoes. I think something you don’t realize you’re doing when you move and live in another culture, fall in love and start a life elsewhere is that you lose home as much as you gain a new place and culture. I know my partner feels somewhat the same. She’s not like the Uruguayans she grew up with, despite her being a good lefty anti-imperalist latin american she’s now also an american and therefore doesn’t fit any place quite perfectly. When we chose to make the world our home we chose to be at home nowhere as well.
We’re glad to have you back! Congratulations on the new house. I hope we get to see more of you in the coming years.
I had many of these thoughts when Ieft New York City for rural Massachusetts. It’s pretty homogenous here — our friends aren’t more “diverse” if you define it by color, class, etc. — but we do have a broader, richer life than what was possible as a family with children in middle-class-averse New York. We have many, many friends who we can actually hang out with (most are a five-minute drive or a bike ride away) and we can do more than hustle. We can breathe.
I think our first cup of coffee in Seattle will include a conversation about living in Mexico City and trying to fit in. I have lots to say about that topic. 🙂 Welcome back to the Best Coast, bro.
Invite me to that group therapy session, please! Nice house. Enjoy gringolandia, carnal!
Well said, my friend. You and I have many parallels in our lives, methinks. The allure of the clean slate has kept me semi-nomadic and is part of what’s finally driving me to leave NYC after so many years.
Congratulations on your beautiful new home!
Un abrazo fuerte.
Home!
Homeland.
beautiful home. is that a japanese maple i see in the front?
Hope you’ve set aside a room as a home gym. Those arms need all the help they can get.
A really cute house!
you should be thinking about the weather.lol