“San Francisco is like the lover of my dreams,” begins my sister, about to stick an oversized, oozing portion of panqueque con dulce de leche into her mouth, “but the relationship, for whatever reason, just doesn’t work out … you know what I mean?”
Her you-know-what-I-means always end with a slight wink of the right eye. Just like her big brother. It’s emphasis, not a question mark. The thing is, in this case, unlike most, I wasn’t sure I did.
“Yeah, you know, like, San Francisco is everything I could ever want in a city, but then, somehow, it just wasn’t enough. I dunno, my feelings about that city are so complex, like a relationship, like an ex-boyfriend … you know what I mean?”
Another wink of emphasis.
I was starting to get it. I thought about my friends, most of us in our late 20’s and early 30’s. We’ve been spending most of the last 10 years building up our expectations about this city and that person only to be lured by the next skyline over the horizon, the next pretty face smiling shyly at a bar.
There is the honeymoon period, of course, when we fill in the gaps of our ignorance with the optimism of our imagination. Every pillow talk whisper could still be Van Morrison’s wonderful remark. Every cafe barista could our new best friend.
Some cities are more enticing than others. Barcelona, Brooklyn, Seattle, Paris, Prague. And then, so are some lovers. Ultimately, though, comes the time when we must stop waiting to be impressed and start working to make it better.
Few are the cities I couldn’t live in … so long as I stop thinking that something better lies somewhere else. I’ve realized that all I need are a few good friends, a local cafe, a bookstore, a couple restaurants, and a market. After that, it’s just a matter of saying I’m home.
Couples love to say they were destined for one another. That fate would relegate all other pairs to failure. Looking back over the women of my life, what stands out most is how different they have all been.
There is no perfect city. There is no perfect person. Eventually you just have to choose. That is, if you go for that sorta thing.
I get your sister.
I fell for SF when I fell for a boy who lived in the city. And then a few years later, long after our relationship ended, I realized I could never live in the city. It would ruin the fantasy.
Miss you!
Para nosotros, los extranjeros (esto de estar dividida por dos paises no es facil, diria mi hermana), las cosas son exactamente como las has descrito. No existe un lugar perfecto, porque quisieras tener lo mejor de todos tus lugares favoritos en un solo sitio. La parte buena de la historia es que puedes escoger. Por eso un dia decidi venir y quedarme.
Hay una pelicula “No te mueras sin decirme adonde vas”, donde el protagonista lleva consigo a todas partes una planta llamada Anita. Al final de la pelicula, rompe la maceta y la siembra en un patio. Le dice: bueno Anita, se acabo el encierro de la maceta, debajo tuyo esta el planeta, y sobre ti, el cielo. Crecé todo lo que quieras, y no te preocupes: nunca te voy a abandonar.
Como Anita, quiero que llegue ese dia. El dia en que alguien me siembre de una buena vez y me diga que puedo crecer tranquila. Porque no me van a abandonar.
I used to want to live in Frisco, until I spent enough time there to realize it’s an island with vary narrow expectations. Most of the interesting people I knew went there, cuz that’s where “stuff was happening” but in reality all those people went just to consume stuff, not to make their own. Cities are meaningless, the people within are what make them interesting. Those that keep trying to catch the next wave are always playing catch-up. My city is flawed, but I stay here to try and somehow make it better.
Man, your captchas are a pain.
Great post, I’ve thought the same thing. Headspace is one of the ignored ingedients to a good match.
Cindylu,
That was the other thing she brought – some cities are better to visit than to live.
Sikanda,
Me parece que un problema bastante común en las parejas es que todos los humanos quieren ser sembrados, pero pocos quieren sembrar.
El Chavo,
It’s true that creativity does breed creativity and there is something magical about being part of a community that collectively makes positive creative change, but those groups exist in all major cities. It’s just a matter of tapping into the right group. The problem with San Francisco (it seems to me, I’m really no expert on the city) is that everyone comes with those expectations, but no one really knows where to start.
Chris,
Headspace. I like that – it applies both to cities and relationships and I’ve never heard it used to describe either.
Estoooo… Yo me refería a otro uso del verbo sembrar. Uno que tiene que ver conmigo y con mi historia, por eso es lógico que no entendieras porqué lo dije. Pero sí, es probable que muchas parejas esperen que les den y no poner de sí mismos. Fue lo que me sucedió a mi, pero eso ya te lo he contado.
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this was/is beautifu. thank you for reposting it.
Thanks, EM 🙂